I am a confusing person, some days I love easily other days I would rather be unreasonable and fussy rather than understanding and kind...

My children think I am funny... they love how I walk around the house singing stupid songs that I just make up, how I love to try to gross them out...

They claim I talk in my sleep, and say that my bodily noises are disgusting! *course this cannot be true!*

I tell jokes, sing silly songs, run around the house half naked dancing to music that only I hear, *and maybe the cats, no one will believe me, but I am sure they read my mind* I believe in little people that no one sees, but they are there! How do I know? Because they steal shiny things, like keys, nail clippers, bobby pins, and socks!

I am starting over in life, and it is not easy... it is a hard road, full of lonely choices...

I carry a face about me that everyone sees... I am cool, calm, I behave correctly in front of others... My ex cheated on me for a yr.. maybe more, then moves on without his family.. how do I behave? I act as if it doesn't
hurt and pretend.. and work with him, to keep things going smoothly, being polite.. the 'good one'.. when all I want to do is hit him, yell and scream, cuss...

But of course... I do not.

There are times when I hurt so bad inside, that I wish to cry, and just not stop for a long time...

I don't

Sometimes I want to just sit on the sofa and do nothing, not watch tv, sing, dance, read, be on the computer, talk on the phone,

I only want to sit there and be depressed..

I don't

(a year and a half ago... this was what I wrote about myself)

**I have dreams, hopes, and yes, fears... I have wants and needs and desires to be met...

I long to tell them to someone, and have them met, but... I wont

It is like I have all these things I want for myself, I don't mean things like traveling and such... I mean those needs you as a human being.. with emotions.... as your essence... those things...

Emotional journeys and excitement awaits me, yet I have chosen to hide them in the dark shadows of my mind, hidden in a world that is safe... but lonely and dull.

I want to come out of the shadows.. came close once...

Now I am back...and this time I think I will keep my inner emotions, and needs closely guarded...**

(a year and a half later.. this is what I now have to say...)

I was wrong... I did not hide them and keep my feelings secret... I sat back, relaxed.. and when I thought I would never find another who truly understood what I needed.. craved... He found me... or should I say.. 'they'?

As many of my friends, most of my family know.. I am submissive.. no.. let us say that in todays society.. I am about as slavish as you can be and still keep my personality intact...

I found a man.. who I mentally fought for a while.. but he never quit on me.. never gave up on me.. and not once did he permit me.. to give up on myself..

When I doubted myself the most.. he believed in me the hardest..when I sobbed the loudest.. he hugged the closest.. when I didn't think I deserved anything, he gave me all he could...

He never once allowed me to hide from others, from him, from myself.. he never permitted me to quit on myself.. to run away from myself.. and in the process I began to open up.. and discover I am worthy of love.. affection.. care.. concern.. and being needed.. most of all being wanted.

He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant.. my Master..

and yes... unconventional as it may sound.. he is married.. and she is as dear to me as any woman can be.. and then some.. I think I would be lost without her, I worry about her.. care for her.. love her... 

We three belong together.. they provide me with all I need.. and I pray I provide them with what they need.. and then some..

for once I am not afraid of who I am.. what I am.. I have no need to hide myself from anyone... and I no longer worry bout what others think of my lifestyle.. I am for once, accepted.. wanted.. needed... and I hope desired.

I have learned from them.. from Master.. that being slave does not mean being doormat.. does not mean I wish to be abused.. hurt... humiliated..

It means I am slave.. submissive in the worlds view of things... though slave in our view.. in our home..

I do not have safe words.. I do not top from the bottom.. I do not set the boundaries of anything.. save that which Master allows... we do not have a contract..  He is in charge.. period... no ands if's or buts.. when he said I was moving in with him.. we packed up.. my children and I.. and moved in with his family.. 

He sets the boundaries if any.. and decides what is what..

and for once in my life...

I am happy...